Monday, January 02, 2006


Predictions for 2006

These hats are great but they'll be pretty useless next year! Seeing as we have only recently left 2005 and made it into 2006, I figured I owed it to myself to milk that fact for everything it's worth. With that being said ladies and gentlemen, I give to you my personal predictions for 2006!

So without further ado:

- Positive IMC report - I predict that the first big news item in 2006 from an Irish perspective will be in relation to the Independent Monitoring Commission giving the IRA a clean bill of health and confirming that they have left violence behind them. This will lead to renewed efforts by the two governments to revive devolution against the continued cynicism of the DUP.

- The DUP will continue to make excuses, delaying the restoration of the Northern Assembly. Near the end of the year they will state it is pointless to do so since new elections will be planned for 2007 and they will announce that they will wait until after these elections.

- England will do very well in the World Cup thanks largely to Wayne Rooney but they will be knocked out on penalties by Germany in the quarter-finals. The English player who misses will be slaughtered by the Press and the English fans will claim they should have won had it not been for the referee denying them a penalty. The rest of the world won't see it that way. Brazil will go on to win the tournament.

- The Playstation 3 will prove a massive success in Ireland and Britain but it will spark off rows in Ireland about the rip-off culture. Cue shows like Adrien Kennedy's and Joe Duffy's giving airtime to disgruntled mothers.

- Google will unveil their latest project - Googlebox - which will be an audio feature where you type words into a box and select a number of funny voices who will pronounce what you have written. This service will be abused and one blogger will figure out a way to manipulate Ian Paisley's voice declaring his support for a United Ireland and his love for wearing dresses. This will lead to a nasty lawsuit.

- The revived Easter Rising parade will get a phenomenal turnout but will also create alot of debate on Ireland's past as well as its future. Irish Republican purists will object to a float by Ireland's Chinese community pointing out that contrary to the float's claims, Padraig Pearse wasn't in fact half-Chinese. Kevin Myers meanwhile will create huge controversy when he lambasts those who plan to turn out for the parade as filthy Fenian hoors. He will claim that it is time to do away with Ireland and Irishness and create a new State called Myerland which will not have any welfare system whatsoever. There will be some support for this in Dublin 4 but little elsewhere.

- Irish TV will continue to rely on its already overflowing cesspit of talentless trash. Irish people with taste will react with dismay at plans for a new series of Tubridy Tonight as well as new series including The Panel: Behind The Scenes, Hector's Happy Hippo Hunt and Stars Collide: Daniel (O'Donnell) Meets Dana. Eamon Dunphy will leave RTE over a heated TV debate where he calls Liam Brady an 'awful gobshite' for stating that he expected Keane to perform better than he has at Celtic.

- Roy Keane will leave Celtic towards the end of the year after a fight with the manager. He will berate Gorodn Strachan questioning his Irishness. When informed that Strachan is actually Scottish, Keane will blame that on poor training techniques. In other football related news, the FAI will hire the actor who played Milo on Glenroe to be Ireland manager citing his tough no-nonsense approach, his affordable wages and his excellent performances at The Point theatre as good enough quaifications for the job. In England, Jose Mourinho will cause controversy when he tells an English reporter that he would hate to have a New Year's Honour from the Queen, "Why would I want zat? I zink if anything she should have to get zown on her knees and bow to me."

- Ireland's hosting of the Ryder Cup in 2006 will be widely praised, unlike the performances of the Irish golfers. The tournament will prove exciting for people all around Ireland - but most notbaly old people and boggers.

- In global matters, George W. Bush will spark fears of a new war when he speaks of his military plans for Iran during a press conference. His advisers will later allay fears when they tell us that Bush actually mixed up Iraq with Iran...

Those are my predictions for 2006. Feel free to comment on them or to offer up some of your own.

Here's to a great year whatever happens!


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