Tuesday, May 17, 2005


Top Ten Tuesday-NI: Drastic Solutions

The recent elections in Ireland's north have not helped clear up the political mess that engulfs the region. We must now contemplate some drastic solutions to the problem of the NI state. So without further ado:

1. Nuke the place - If all else fails, let's blow the crap out of the place. Too far? Perhaps, but to bring up the issue of NI in any pub down here in the Republic will lead to at least one individual whose solution is simple - "they should just blow it up".Insanity or genius? You decide.
2. Cut it adrift - Another drastic measure alright. Just cut the bleedin' place adrift and let it float far away. Near Iceland or somewhere. That could work.
3. Let them fight it out - If they don't want to get along then let each side fight it out. Loyalists versus Republicans. Loyalists aren't allowed any help from the Brits and the Republicans can't get any help from Yank sympathisers.
4. Indirect Rule - If Direct Rule is so bad, let different countries rule the region. Each week NI will be ruled by another country. It will be funny when it's North Korea's turn...
5. Make the Queen Secretary of State - Unionists don't seem to like Peter Hain. The solution? Let the Queen have the job! To reach out to the nationalist community she has to start wearing a green white and orange gown and replace her crown with a leprechaun hat.
6. Let Malcom Glazer buy the place - A great solution! He'll probably raise taxes and will piss off both communities equally bringing everyone together!
7. Referendum every seven days - Forget every seven years, let's have a referendum on Irish unity every seven days! It will instil upon those in the North an appreciation for democracy. Unionists won't mind if it's the Queen making the decision! Genius idea!
8. Flood the place with immigrants - What unites the people of the north so well? Why racism of course! Shove as many nationalities as we possibly can into the North and watch the unionists and nationalists work together against new cultures ripe for desecration!
9. A border in NI - Divide NI itself! Then we can have North-Eastern Ireland and North-Western Ireland. Treat each area differently and turn the North against itself! This will surely only lead to good things...
10. Prohibition - If all else fails, deprive the region of alcohol. Hell, if there's one thing unionists and nationalists need, it's beer. If they work well together they can receive limited supplies of beer. A hefty water tax will add to the effect!

Drastic solutions or genius ideas? Feel free to comment on my choices or to offer your own.


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