Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Search is on for NI's bonniest baby

I was interested to learn courtesy of the Belfast Telegraph that the hunt is on to find out who'll be the top tot in NI's biggest bonny baby competition.

This is the tenth year of the coveted competition to find the Babyface of 2007, which is offering a first prize of £750.

I thought I would offer the competition organisers some free help by running through a list of who I think are the top babies in the north of Ireland...

With that in mind, coming in at number 5 is...

Hairy boy
Pat Mustard Jnr

Wee Sammy Wilson! Poor Sammy under different circumstances would be a shoe-in for NI's bonniest baby.


Big rosy red cheeks and a boyish grin to boot. Has also come up with adorably childish nonsense over the years pertaining to Ireland including:

"One half of the island broke away from British rule but the other half remained tied to Britain."

"The decision by Education Minister Angela Smith to fund three new Irish medium primary schools is nothing short of a disgraceful use of public money."

Just adorable!


Sadly, wee Sammy sports a moustache that would make Tom Selleck blush. Sorry little man but hairy babies are a big no-no for a baby contest.

Let's see who's in at number 4...


That's right it's Mark "I'm not John Hume but I'm bloody close" Durkan. A guy who has all the traits necessary to be a contender.


Not hairy (by any means). Looks like a baby and has an impressive comic ability. We all like babies who can make us laugh.


Can be very dull. We don't like babies who are bores. Also tends to be whiny and complains on numerous occasions. Cranky babies never win prizes Mark!

On to our number 3 baby...

Lord Lucan

That's right it's the artist formerly known as David Trimble, now calling himself 'Baron Trimble'.


Really strong contender. Not only has the baby boy looks but also gets flustered very easily which is most adorable. Has also come up with some really infantile comments about the Irish Republic:

"If you took away Catholicism and anti-Britishness, the state doesn't have a reason to exist."

"a pathetic, sectarian, mono-ethnic, mono-cultural state"

Oh Davy, you are precious!


Has been very negative at times. Has shown a willingness to take his ball and go home. Literally. No one likes a mean baby!

OK time for a look at our number 2 baby...

Little Damien

Yes indeed it's Ian Paisley Jnr, who narrowly misses out on the accolade.


Remarkably childish in almost every way. Being the son of one of the most petulant and immature people to ever hit the island of Ireland, young Paisley had big shoes to fill but he has filled them with some aplomb. Some of his childish quotes include this one on President McAleese:

"Her comments are completely irrational and are designed to insult the integrity of the Protestant community and damn an entire generation of Protestant people.

"Her mask as being a healer of divided peoples has slipped. She is spewing out hatred of the Protestant community, whilst accusing those same people of hating Catholics."

Oh Ian you really are too much!


Sadly has quite a mean streak in him and lacks a fair bit of charm. This hurts his chances unfortunately.

But now it's time to unveil the North's biggest baby, the number 1, the bonniest baby of them all. Ladies and gentleman give it up for...

'I'm not going in the naughty corner!'

Yes it's king of the wobblers Willie Frazer! Frazer is the undisputed top baby of NI.


He has the right look and all the required personality traits for good measure. Let's take a look at some of his childish outbursts in recent times.

On last year's riots in Dublin:

"I blame the words of Mary McAleese and Fr Reid for the reaction on the streets. They played a major part in it. They were responsible for it."

On the idea of another Love Ulster march being held in Dublin:

"The sectarianism and the bitterness that is there is going to have to be dealt with and it is down to the people of Southern Ireland and the people in Dublin. If they are going to support the Republican Movement, they are sending a quite clear message out to people like ourselves: We support the people who were out on the streets of Dublin last Saturday."

On alleged sectarian chants by Celtic footballers:

"Rangers seem to have knocked this sort of behaviour on the head."

Reflecting on his infamous outburst on Father Alec Reid who had compared unionist treatment of nationalists to the Nazi's treatment of the Jews:

"The remarks by Alec Reid are appalling and reveal a mindset which could be portrayed as deeply bigoted and fundamentally racist."

"I did fly off the handle but I could not sit there and allow him to accuse the unionist people of persecuting the Roman Catholic community for the last 60 years. That is far from the truth."

Oh Willie, you are the riot little man! Frazer of late has been vocal in expressing his opposition to power-sharing with Sinn Féin labelling it negotiations with terrorists. What a joker!


Admittedly he can be negative and moody, whiny and cranky, but in Willie's case that's all part of the charm! It's part of the overall package. Willie my boy, we salute you!

I look forward to the results of this year's contest. I know who my money's on!


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