Friday, December 09, 2005


Fun Irelander Feature - Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Before I detail what I want from you this year I think I ought to clarify a few things beforehand. First of all, I know I engaged in alot of swearing throughout the year but if you compare my swearing to other people it's really not that bad. For example, check out this guy. I bet my record looks alot better now doesn't it? Second of all, some things have been said about the people of Cork, I acknowledge that. But it's all well and good for you as you don't have to share a country with these people. You're up in Lapland which I can only assume is some sort of exotic stripclub. Finally, I'd like to say that the letters I sent to those chaps from RTE's The Panel, Dara O'Briain and that long-haired twat, were written due to a combination of alcohol and melancholy over the state of RTE. I don't really want to insert my boot up their anal regions. I would hate to be given a lump of coal this year over these incidents and I must inform you that if I am, I may construe that as a sign to use the coal to burn down the Christmas Tree in O'Connell Street. You have been warned. Now for my list!

Santa, this Christmas I would really like:

- A United Ireland - I'm not saying it's going to be easy for you to get, it hasn't been easy for any of us admittedly, but you can look on it as a challenge.

- Spire sign - I'd like you to put a giant sign atop the Spire in O'Connell Street which says, 'No fat chicks'. At least that would make the Spire somewhat useful.

- Humour for Fiona - I'd like you to give Fiona over at Mental Meanderings a sense of humour. The poor girl has been doing so much ironing and washing lately that her sense of humour has left her.

- Miss Switzerland - I'd really appreciate it if I could have this girl under my Christmas tree. Thanks.

- Irish success - Please let Ireland win something in 2006. There's only so many times you can wish for England to fail miserably.

- English failure - Please let England fail miserably in the 2006 World Cup.

- Cancel crap RTE shows. - Please cancel The Panel, Tubridy Tonight and any bingo show featuring a transvestite. Cheers.

- Get me an Xbox 360

Thanks Santa. I really appreciate all this.

PS The Guinness that was left out on Christmas Eve last year (which you downed) was not for you. Touch my Guinness this year old man and you'll wake up on St Stephen's Day with the head of a red-nosed reindeer in your bed.

Go raibh míle maith agat!


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