Monday, September 26, 2005


Monday Madness - Groundbreaking Tedium

So the IRA have apparently decommissioned according to General John De Chastelain and Bertie Ahern and Tony Blair are set to comment on his report. Wow, talk about déjà vu!

Seeing as we are likely to hear alot of military-speak today I thought I'd get in my own pre-emptive strike (huh-ho) by giving my views on what we're likely to observe in the near future from the protagonists of this fascinating story of spin, lies and total bollocks. So, without further ado:

Gerry Adams - Get the hankees ready as Gerry takes us on an emotional rollercoaster detailing the bravery and the sacrifice that the volunteers have shown for the cause. Sniff. Watch him warn those nasty unionists that they must now begin to live up to their obligations, responsibilities etc. You know the drill. I wouldn't be surprised if the issue of Garda Jerry McCabe's killers comes up in the next few days.

Martin McGuinness - More of the same, really. Sinn Fein might even tell Martin to head to America to inform the Irish-American supporters of Sinn Fein firstly where Ireland is, and secondly what is now happening in the peace process...

Dr Paisley - Will he greet the news warmly? Do you really need me to tell you how this guy will react? Gerry Adams could get down on his hands and knees and give Big Ian a big fat smooch on his hardline unionist arse and Paisley would still complain that Adams didn't bother to shave for the moment. In other words, don't expect a positive response.

Reg Empey - Sir Reg will firstly inform the media who he is and why he's worth listening to, then he will question the evidence. He will probably ask for time to reflect on what has happened. A common unionist tactic of avoiding acknowledging a positive development.

Mark Durkan - Mark will tell us that his party are the only ones to have defended the Agreement, stood by the agreement, done what was stated in the Agreement, made love to the Agreement etc. You get the picture. He will tell us that this all should have happened years ago and that Sinn Fein are following the direction of his party.

Bertie Ahern - Bertie will hail it as a great day in Irish history, a momentous occasion, of great significance, blah, blah, blah. He will stress he understands unionist concerns. You get the idea.

Tony Blair - Same as Bertie he will mention what a special point in time it is, how it's time that the North moves forward, he will remind unionists of their responsibilities to the peace process. The usual...

(insert random DUP moaner) - This is usually the point where a DUP member comes out to bemoan something that has just been stated by someone else. It could be by one of the Prime Ministers, a nationalist or someone from the UUP. It will likely be taking the issue on to a brand new subject. For example, how dare Mr Blair remind unionists of their responsibilities when he has given concession after concession to Republicans! Or perhaps the Colombia Three issue will be raised for the Taoiseach. One to watch out for...

In conclusion, if you hear words tossed about for today's events like 'groundbreaking', 'historic', 'momentous' and so on, just don't be so quick to buy into all the hype.

We've been here before. And we might be here again...


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