Friday, May 19, 2006


Fun Irelander Feature - Eurotrash

Looooooooooooovvvvvvvvveeeeeeeee If you ever needed proof that the Eurovision song contest has gone to the dogs, you got it Thursday night when Brian Kennedy's atrocious song (and I use the word song loosely) 'Every Song is a Cry for Love' managed to make it through to the Eurovision final.

The whole semi-final thing is a farce anyway seeing as certain countries like the UK don't have to go through with it on the grounds that they're one of the biggest countries. (Yeah that's fair and relevant to a music competition)

I imagine most Irish viewers watched Kennedy's performance the way I did - through their hands. It was cringe-inducing. I'm sure the sound of hippos having sex is more pleasing to the ear than that rubbish. Marty Whelan then said Brian had done a great job. In what sense, Marty? In the sense that my ears weren't bleeding?

As is tradition for practically EVERY song entered into the Eurovision by Ireland, we had the usual three-person back-up singers, although this year things were somewhat different and I could have sworn I was watching Father Ted as one of the back-up singers looked just like a priest. He was also sporting a haircut that would have turned heads in the eighties. It's amazing to me how Irish song entries have stuck to this three-person back-up singer formula when it hasn't worked in years. Most of the other countries have moved on to dance numbers with scantily-clad women and yet we're stuck with Brian's high-pitched pining and the three stooges.

Ireland is a country with a strong musical background and we can easily match these countries with their Amazon warrior women and their risque acts. Let's suit up a few fine Celtic lasses in armour and scare the bejaysus out of Europe. That's the way to do it. Raverdance is what we need.

You could almost hear the entire nation gasp as well when it was revealed that Ireland had actually qualified. I think a flying pig crashed into my window at that point. It seems the continent of Europe has about as much taste as John Prescott's mistress.

Tomorrow Ireland gets to compete in the final along with 23 other countries and we get to take part in a voting system that gives a slap in the face to democracy that only the European Union could better.

"Hi zere, greetings Athens. Here are ze results from Armenia - Ireland 0 points, Lithuania 10 points and Macedonia 1 million points."

"Hallo Athens. Here are the resulsh from Shweden. Ireland 0 pointsh, Denmark 8 pointsh, Finland 10 pointsh and Norway 1 zillion pointsh."

The whole process is head-wrecking and no doubt the contest will be won by some eastern European country that has all its border friends vote for it. Krostanovia or some place like that. The Eurovision is an argument for the revival of the Soviet Union if ever there was one.

You might say "So what, pay no attention to it" but this is something we Irish were actually good at once upon a time and let's face it, we can't say that about many things can we? This year's World Cup in Germany will bring that home in a very painful way.

Of course I hope Ireland does well under Brian and seeing as the contest is rarely won by a talented song, we're at least in with a shot in that sense but the whole thing has become the glitzy equivalent of the drunk guy in a bar who gets up to sing a few songs. You know he's terrible, you know you should stop paying attention to him and yet nonetheless you can't help but watch the whole sorry episode.

The only good thing about the Eurovision these days is that it reminds me why I want nothing to do with the rest of Europe in a national sense. There's no way I could feel an affinity with people who have their taste.

The Eurovision - so bad it's bollocks.


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