Fun Irelander Feature-New TV shows

I'm not a big fan of RTE. This shouldn't come as much of a shock since I am the guy who stated RTE stands for 'Really Terrible Entertainment'.

Can you blame me for my views though? Look at the drivel they put on the air - Tubridy Tonight, The Panel, You're a Star, The Lyrics Board etc.

Pure Garbage!

But wait! All is not lost because I am going to give RTE some great ideas for TV shows which will turn RTE's fortunes right around. The key thing, in my opinion, is to build upon current hit shows from Britain and America but also to add an Irish feel to them. Permit me to share with you some ideas that I have in mind:

• Dr. Paisley - You've seen Dr.Phil now get ready for Dr. Paisley! What a great show this would be! RTE would need to fork over quite a bit to get him but the ratings would be through the roof! Picture the heart-rending scenes:

Man: "Dr. Paisley (sobs)...she cheated on me. Can the two of us get through this rough patch?

Paisley: "Never! Never! Never!

Man: "So what you're saying is...?

Paisley: "Never!"

Daytime viewing would never be the same again. But wait! There's more! You've seen that show 'Lost' right? Well we take the elements of that show and add a bit of reality TV to get...

• Lost in the Aran Islands - Foreign tourists suffer a plane crash in the Aran Islands (don't worry it will be safe enough and the families will be in on it) and, unknown to them, they find themselves on an island off the west coast of Ireland. The locals meanwhile will be moved to the wooded areas of the island. Imagine the situation:

"Where the hell are we?"

"I don't know! We're lost!

(noises of locals heard in the distance)

"What the hell was that"?

"I don't know. T'was more animal than man."

Another sure-fire ratings winner. But wait! There's still more! You know about that show 'The OC' right? The drama that's set in Orange County in California? Well get ready for...

• The RC - Rebel County. That's right we swap sunny California for wet and miserable Cork but the drama's just as intense! The characters won't be as good looking mind you but it will still be massively popular. Picture it:

Guy: "I'm after gettin' into a fight with Milo and dem other boyos.

Girl: "Ah no, why?

Guy: "Feck dem. I had enough of their shite. I smushed der faces in. Dey ran like dirty jackeens, like.

Girl: "I see."

Guy: "Yes. So can I ride ya, like?"

This show would be fantastic. All the kids would be talking about it. But it's not just kids that I have ideas for, oh no. We need a quiz show for the older folks who like to be challenged. It should have an Irish feel though. That's why I give you...

• The Weakest Drinker - That's right we take the format of The Weakest Link except in this game you have to chug a pint after every question you answer correctly. The person who vomits first is The Weakest Drinker. And who presents? Why Eamon Dunphy of course! He wasn't great as host of The Weakest Link but a show about drinking? He'd be a star! Picture it:

Eamon: "Seamus, that...was a pathetic, miserable...and embarassing round. You couldn't chug five pints of Guinness in two minutes. I've seen...Johnny Giles consume seven pints in half that time. You are...the Weakest Drinker...goodbye.

You know full well that such a show would get unbelievable ratings. And finally, in order to cater for you soap fans out there, I give you none other than...

• Southsiders - Yes Ireland's own answer to Eastenders. To hell with the residents of Walford when we can catch up with the residents of Foxrock! Just imagine the emotion of such a show:

"Look Sorcha don't even bother trying to explain to me roysh! I saw you sleeping with my best friend Fiachra! What's the craic, loike? Loike seriously, when I saw you two roysh, I loike totally dropped the Hoyneiken from my hands."

"Oisin, I'm sorry! Fiachra loike just soooo gets me loike."

(Door opens)

Oisin: Fiachra, loike how could you do this to me?

(Door opens again)

Oisin: Fionn! Not you too!

(Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum, cue credits)

The nation would be hooked on that kind of drama!

So with all that being said, I think you'll agree I've offered RTE some top-notch ideas here to get Irish television back on track. If RTE had any sense they'd ask me to be their commissioner for the station. I would produce brilliant home-grown entertainment.

We don't need the Yanks or the Brits for our programmes! We've got the resources for great TV right here on our very own doorstep!