Fun Irelander Feature - I'm rich!

Here's an interesting email I got the other day from a Mrs Rose Newyear informing me that I have - no joke - won the lottery! Well...the 'Mixon Email Lottery' but still...

Permit me to highlight the letter from this sweet Rose who seems to have all my best interests at heart bless her:

"Dear sir/Madam,

GOOD NEWS

"From a total of 16 winners every year, this is to inform you that your email address has drawn a winning prize of US$2M (Two Million Dollars for you from a total of 30 million email addresses compiled from all over the world for this competition put together by MIXON COMPANY, a registered U.K. bulk email addresses marketer. This competition is a COMPENSATION for the unauthorised use/marketing of all emails addresses used by MIXON COMPANY without the said owners consent.

Wow I don't know what to say! Thank you kind stranger! Thank you! It continues:

"Due to the fact that we do not know the winners by names, locations, address and where from, we have therefore shared the 16 winners into 4 regions/zones (A,B,C and D). Further more your email address falls within our the AFRICAN representative office in Abuja, which indicated in your play coupon and your prize of US$2,000,000.00 will be released to you from the regional branch office ABUJA which region/zone B."

Funny how it's often an 'African' representative isn't it? Those Germans seem quite efficient so why not let them to do the work? Oh right it was the luck of the draw, wasn't it? Silly me.

"For security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information confidential until your claims is processed and your money remitted to you in whatever manner you deem it fit to claim your prize."

Oh bollocks. I'm after telling people about this before I informed you guys. Don't tell me there's a chance I won't get this money now?

"This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by any winner. Please be warned. Our fudiciary agent on the category you are grouped in will immediately commence the process to facilitate the release of your funds to you as soon as you contact him. So, for the processing of your payment, you are to simply contact (our fudiciary agent) your zonal officer with the following information.

Name: Mr. Frederick Owens
Email: fredowns44 -at- winning.com
Tel: 2348026863328

Good oul' Fred, eh? I'm sure he's an honest enough chap. Do you think he accepts credit cards?

"All claims must be made and completed within two weeks of contact to avoid too much exposing of winning notification by winners. MIXON COMPANY reserves the sole rights to disqualify any winners on any basis of misconducts or disobedience of claim protocols All claims instructions must be strictly followed by all winners."

Oh dear I haven't strictly followed the instructions. Now I'm really worried I won't get my $2m!

"Your winning number is (98543565) your batch number is (RE767484543344SN). Please be informed that to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please quote your winning/batch numbers in any correspondences with our designated agents or us."

I trust dear reader you won't take my money on me!

"Congratulations on your winning,

Mrs. Rose Newyear,
Winners Announcer,
Mixon Email Company
(Bulk Email Marketers)
Copyright © 1994-2006 The Mixon Inc

GOD BLESS THE QUEEN"

Honestly it really does finish with that!

Now I'm choked up as I write this because $2m is a life-changing sum of money and I really don't know what to say so I'll simply say this:

Fred Owens, Rose Newyear...please go and shove your mind-numbingly stupid, grammar-retarded shithole scam up your holes you pathetic sad bastards.

It lacks a certain eloquence I'll admit but I feel it will suffice.