Defining Irishness

Chris over at Balrog spotted an interesting story on UTV about how academics from around the world are trying to figure out what it means to be Irish.

Discussing the question at Dublin's Trinity College, they reckon the Irish have sex appeal to rival the Italians - and are also proud of their native language. (Ha, what do you think of that, Antonio?!)

Professor Thomas Ihde of the City University of New York, also said studying Gaeilge is becoming more common in the US. (Good to see some countries taking our language seriously)

Chris said that there is no single definition of what it means to be Irish. I'm afraid he is mistaken.

You see this question is being put to the wrong people. I mean can people from Trinity College really know what it means to be Irish? Come on. No, this question should have been put to me and a few people down my local as we would have put this issue to rest in a matter of seconds.

With that being the case, I hereby give to you the following characteristics which define what it means to be Irish...

- You must be from Dublin. I'm sorry but if you want to regard yourself as properly Irish, you must hail from the greatest city on the greatest island on God's green earth - Dublin, baby!

- You must be very sceptical of the weather at all times. If grey skies are spotted overhead, you must proclaim aloud, "Hmm. Looks like it's gonna rain." The really gifted Irish, usually Irish mothers, will be able to instinctively sense approaching rainfall which will lead to them to running out to the washing line, James Bond-like, in perfect time to save all the clothes from saturation.

- You must never expect too much from sports athletes.

- You must hate the British for expecting too much from sports atheletes.

- You must be able to recite the first line of the Irish national anthem - the rest is not important though.

- You must prefer Gay Byrne to Pat Kenny. That is not up for debate.

- You must view Ryan Tubridy as the biggest twat to grace Irish TV screens in some time.

- Your drink of choice must be a Guinness. Same goes for teenagers.

- You must cringe at the sight of certain Irish 'celebrities', and I use that term wrongly, such as Dara O'Briain, Dara O'Briain's long-haired friend from The Panel, Linda Martin (ugh), Dana, Daniel O'Donnell, Phil Coulter and of course Shirley Temple Bar - a transvestite whose work experience includes fronting a daytime television bingo gameshow.

- You must regard all Irish politicians as gangsters and you must express that clearly and concisely to the old ladies who you hand your vote to on polling day.

- You must not only blame the British for the problems in the North but for every problem around the world since the dawn of time.

- You must never let Protestants in on the secret that Catholicism really does go hand in hand with Irishness and that on your Holy Communion you are presented with a rifle and tricolour from the priest.

- You must be able to write a list defining what Irishness is.

That's a small taste of what it means to be Irish. Ideally immigrants coming in to Ireland should be made aware of the above points if they want to assimilate in this country appropriately.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must head off and get myself a Guinness.

G'wan the Ireland! G'wan ya good thing! And so forth...